The Real Failure Is When You Stop Trying

We were a happy family of eight composed of my parents, my fours sisters and a brother. But something unexpected happened six years ago.

My eldest sister, who was a shy-type person and a consistent honor student in one of the best universities in Cagayan de Oro City, was immediately admitted to the hospital. She was, at that time, terribly sick: vomiting here and then, high temperature, and had a UTI. Her UTI, though, was not new to us at all as she had a history of kidney related diseases when she was younger (like glomerulunephritis). Right before she was discharged, the doctor told my parents to check on her monthly period. They didn't know what it meant until one day.

Her sickness did not go away even after hospitalization, it even got worse. She's back in school while my parents were worried big time about her, to the point where they would ask her to drink herbal meds that according to my sister, were literally strong and #bitter in taste.

Remember what the doctor had told us? We didn't know what it meant until my sister started smelling food that weren't actually there and said she wanted to eat some of it. That's when my mom speculated that maybe my sister's pregnant. Maybe.

"No, that's impossible", I thought to myself. She didn't have a boyfriend, she's mahinhin, she's smart enough not to do those things and after all, she's only 15 years old so how could she be pregnant?

But my mom was right. She's frustrated. Everyone was. Who wouldn't be? That was unexpected because we thought highly of her. Or maybe that's the reason why we're frustrated? We're disappointed because of the high expectations we set on her. Maybe.

My grandfather (mother's side) was the head of a religious organization in our town's church. My father's reputation was very good; People actually adored him as a family man. My sister's well known because she went to grade school in our town and graduated as the class valedictorian during her time. 

If people would know that she's pregnant, they'd judge her. Not only her, but my father as well. He would think that it's a failure to him as a father! He'd think that his discipline techniques were ineffective. And my grandpa too; he would be a laughingstock, preaching the Good News to people but not to his own granddaughter.

I could see that my sister's affected too, thinking that she's an embarrassment to the family. I've learned that she has a boyfriend but we later on found out that the guy was married already. Ouch. Everything was complicated. She tried to abort the baby thinking that everything would be back to normal. Yes, she was desperate but the baby's too strong to hold on. And so she kept the baby.

But shame was felt when gossips were spread... Shame. All we could do then was to accept the fact.

Despite what happened, my father still cared for her. His frustrations turned to anger to the 22-year-old guy who manipulated my sister. She was a minor; the guy wasn't. He wanted to file a case (or kill him) but my mom discouraged him as she's also concerned about the guy's family: his wife and their 2 year-old daughter. My mom just wanted to live peacefully.

In school, my sister informed all her instructors about her situation because she didn't want to keep it a secret forever and let other people talk behind her back. Just like us, they were all shocked. It was a good thing that they allowed her to continue her last year in high school. 

Criticisms were there. I can sense that whenever we passed by a group of people, they were all looking at her. My sister, however, didn't mind them at all. She emphasized that it's not her role to please people and that those gossipers weren't the ones who pay for her needs.  She even wanted to annoy them all the more by simply ignoring them.

Special projects were given to her a month before the end of the school year because her tummy was getting bigger at 7 months and it's quite obvious in her garterized school uniform already. 

In May 29 2010, she gave birth to a normal and healthy baby girl. My parents were amazed and happy, and so were we. After all, the baby's a blessing to the family and we're grateful for that. The house was full of smiles and excitement.

Six days later, she had to go to Cebu to enroll in UP. My parents and us her siblings, took care of the baby at home.

Years have gone so fast. The then-baby is now 5 years old. She's adorable, lovable, very sweet and cute. She's also witty, good in reasoning, curious about everything, and smart just like her mother. She knows where her mom is and knows who her biological father is. 

What happened in the past is a lesson to the rest of the family. They say experience is the best teacher, but for me, I don't need to be the one 'experiencing' it. There's so much to learn from others' experiences so you couldn't do the same mistakes again. My sister happened to be the eye-opener to the consequences of careless decision-making.

However, it is wrong to say that a person should try to avoid mistakes. Nobody's perfect and mistakes are in fact helpful in molding us. It's in mistakes that we learn,right? I believe that my sister is not an embarrassment to the family. In fact, I admire her courage and how she managed to rise after falling hard instead of choosing to fail again.

It's not about the fall; I don't call it a failure. It's about how you stand up after the fall and try again, that matters. My sister didn't give up. She didn't lose hope; she didn't kill herself, she didn't stop studying, and she didn't let the opinions of others affect her.

We didn't forget the past but we didn't dwell in there. Our focus is on what will happen next. Right now, my sister is graduating with a degree in BS in Computer Science at UP Cebu.

Remember, failure is an opportunity to try again, this time intelligently. We are now a happy family of nine. :)

Attitude of Gratitude: A Way of Life and a State of Mind

To be grateful, or to offer thanks, in the true sense of the word, is to be modest. It is to acknowledge that others have the power to benefit you, that your life is better because of their efforts.

"A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude" 

A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude according to Elie Wiesel. Unfortunately, gratitude seems to be a lost art today. Many of us, especially students, complain. We forget that we already have more than what we need, and we fail to appreciate most of it. It's actually human nature to complain. However, it's important to give thanks with a grateful heart, to focus on what we have, not on what we don't have. 

Why? Why should we be grateful for a homework? for a room to clean? for dishes to wash? for clothes to laundry?  for a 7:30 AM class? for parents who keep telling you not to do this and that? 

To most of us, these are terrible things to do; we complain when we're given a homework, we complain when we're told to clean our room, wash the dishes, do the laundry, wake up early, we complain when we're not allowed to go out or go home late at night... we complain at almost everything. Right?

To some people, however, they think differently. They think of life’s difficulties as something they can actually be thankful for because gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. As the saying goes, “Find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessings”. They're thankful for a homework because it helps them to learn more. They're thankful for a room to clean because not everyone has a place to live in; some even live in the streets. They're thankful for dishes to wash because it only means that they have something to eat, unlike those children who starve in the streets. They're thankful for waking up early for a class because not everyone has the privilege to go to school. They're thankful for their strict parents because not everyone has someone/parents to look after them.

Another example that we see in reality would be people (or us!) today who complain that they are not tall, slim, handsome or pretty enough, their job stinks, the weather is foul, their family demands are a chore...and they wish they were richer, fairer, more handsome, luckier.

Often instead of rejoicing in what we have, we yearn for something more, better, or different. We can’t be grateful because we are making comparisons with others. As a result, we become unhappy. 

Can you now spot the difference between an ungrateful and a grateful heart and why is it important? 

Just imagine when you're complaining: it's a bad day for you and your day is ruined. Awtsu! But if you are grateful for all positive things that you see around yourself, you will undoubtedly have a fulfilling and happy day. In fact, gratitude, I believe, is the best medicine for depression, self-pity and fear, as it dissolves all negative feelings.

"Gratitude dissolves negative feelings: anger and jealousy melt in its embrace, fear and defensiveness shrink." 

So, let's stop the habit of complaining. Instead, let's be grateful for the people who love us, and appreciate the healthy life we have been given. Our mindset should be that of the wise man who penned, “I once cried when I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet”. Let's keep an attitude of gratitude for everything we have, and everything we get to do, even if it's a problem we're facing. If we're going through a tough time, we can still be grateful for the lessons we are learning, the strength we are gaining and the compassion we find for others going through a rough spell. Aja!